Surpassing the Love of Men

Surpassing the Love of Men
By Lillian Faderman. Triangle Classics 1981Pp. 496.

Lillian Faderman draws on literature from the sixteenth century through the present and makes the case that until the 20th century, love between women was common, revered, and accepted by all.Faderman describes these relationships between women as romantic friendships and avoids drawing any conclusions as to whether these relationships had a sexual component. With an absence of societal negativity, there is an abundance of literature as well as letters that indicate the pervasiveness of such friendships. Many of the women dreamed of a life together but that was the limiting factor of earlier eras. Women had no way to support themselves financially without a “man” in their life and consequently, there were few women who were able to successfully live out their friendship fantasies.

One of the key elements during these years was in the fact that men were practically of another species. Most of life was homosocial and the truth of the matter was that men and women had little in common. Since women were forbidden to participate in the arenas of men, had their intellect brushed aside, and were generally ignored, they found in other women a place of solace. Women valued each other’s ideas and shared a common sense of wanting, to do more and be more.Trouble ensued if a woman tried to usurp male privilege, by dressing or passing as a man. Society disapproved and found this quite disturbing.

From 1761 until 1815, a British Annual Register records the cases of 15 women who were prosecuted for dressing as men. However, lesbian sexual behavior might have been acceptable in some cases as it was seen as an apprenticeship to preparing the woman for a man. Men during early eras enjoyed a degree of confidence that is no longer possible. There may have even been a separation, sexual relationships between women seen as devoid of love. And love between women must be devoid of sex.But as some of these notions evolved, women learned the ideals of Platonic friendship from Renaissance writers. These friendship ideals applied to both men and women. In many ways, friendship between women served the interest of men. But a few took their friendship to another level.

The famous Ladies of Llangollen, as a result of access to financial means, were able to actually live and build a life together. The perception that upper-class women were naturally chaste added innocence to the times.Marriage was a commercial affair and had little to do with an actual friendship or partnership between the man and woman. Women could only find any sort of respect or friendship in relationships with other women.Faderman uses literature to paint a picture of societal norms and values. She provides many examples were the heterosexual liaisons end in unhappiness, while the same sex friendships are happy. Though there are few examples of women who were actually able to live together is this blissful ideal, it was clearly the dream and aspiration for many.

She pulls in literature from Europe primarily but by the eighteenth century, finds evidence in American literature that romantic friendship had become an institution there as well. However, twentieth century biographers have often censored what was once accepted. An example of this regards Emily Dickinson letters to a woman as well as those of Mary Wollstonecraft. Because there was no stigma during their era, these women had felt perfectly free to write letters of great passion. But read through the eyes of this century, one would assume it to be lesbian passion.In 1811, there was a court case involving the two women who were the headmistresses of a school in Scotland. One of the students accused them of illegal conduct with each other. The lawyers defended the women by proving that they had a depth of love between them but such a thing as lesbian sexuality was not only unthinkable based on their great love and affection but perhaps even impossible. Such a naïve viewpoint only applied to women, male homosexuality was well known.

One of the most compelling features of same sex adoration was that seemed to be one of the driving motivations for a women to achieve, accomplish or excel at something. Because women found little respect from men, only other women could provide them with praise or words of encouragement. Literature and letters both indicate that not only did society accept this but also in many cases, men were happy with the arrangement. It was during the time that works by Sigmund Freud and other sexologists, that the idea of same sex love became stigmatized.

Faderman concludes her work with the rise of lesbian-feminism. In many feminist novels, lesbians are re-inventing themselves. They re-create society without patriarchy. This is in contrast to a current trend with lesbian politics, which is to propose that lesbians are just like everyone else, the only difference is the sex of the individual that they love.